I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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