I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
