I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
