you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
