john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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