I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
