I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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