So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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