I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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