all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dear god my vagina.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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