I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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