There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fuck appropriateness.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
