wanna go halves on a baby?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
