my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
