the condom got lost in my hair
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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