i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
