You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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