Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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