Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
