i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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