Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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