Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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