She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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