Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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