I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
