this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
