I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
