I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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