i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
