your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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