I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
