I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
