smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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