just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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