I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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