fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
