Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
