i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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