i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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