someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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