The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
