when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
