something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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