I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
