I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
