My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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