So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
