Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
