I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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