i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
