I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
