Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
