wrigley field is MILF paradise
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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