I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
